its nothing personal

I'm really having thoughts on suicidal. As much as I like to try to put on a brave front, deep down, I'm screaming. I'm crying. I have no one to turn to. Seriously, I might just do it.

No one understands my pressure. The pressure that has been built since young. People surrounding me are bankers, accountants, pharmacist, master degree holders and all that stuff. While I look at myself and think that I'm hopeless. I have nothing.

I know they say death is not a solution, but its the only one I can think of right now. My mind is completely dead. I have lost all hope in living and I feel so down. Whats the point in living then? So heavy hearted.

No one understands me. The pain in me. From the day I stepped out of SAC, I knew my life would be different. I loved that school a lot. A lot. I do tresure the things I have now, more than before. But I guess its all too late.

I spent the past few days with my parents. Now, I just wanna isolate myself. Its too painful for words.

In fact, I've always been alone. Since young. Its something which I can get so familiar with and at the same time, struggle with it. Sometimes, I just wanna turn back time and return back to the times when I was still in SAC. Life was good then. I had friends. Love them. Miss them.

They say people who live long have long ears. My ears are kinda short. So I guess that explains it. Will God forgive me if I commit suicide? I guess I already know that answer.

This is the 6th day which I am feeling completely shattered. I thought I'll get better as time goes by. But no, it got worse.

Can anyone make me happy? I'll stick to you for life if you can. Tell me what I should do.

And Amanda, thanks for the sweet SMS you sent me. Appreciate it.

For those of you out there who think I'm rich or fortunate or whatever you think, I am. But it comes with a heavy price to pay. So be contented with your life. Branded stuff would only give you temporary happiness, probably make a few people look up to you and all. But its not worth it if you have to stinch every penny just to buy it.

I've never looked down on people who are of different financial status then me. Never. I just want to see the good side of everyone. So to the girl who thinks that I might look down on her just because of some issues, I don't. But its all in your mind really.

There was once, where I felt I nearly died in my sleep but was woken up. Its like in my sleep, I see all white and I hear stuff. Like you know, in hospital, when a person passes away, the machine would make the 'teee' noise. I heard that. And I wonder what would happen if I wasn't woken up.

Okay, I'll stop here.

I got my head checked at 9:51 PM .